Caring

For those of you who don't know much about me I am not very in touch with my emotions. I hold things in until I have a meltdown and then cry for a few hours. Now I know that this isn't the healthiest way to deal with things, but hey it is what it is. It takes me a while to open up to people and even when I do open up, I do it in tiny increments, which may frustrate the person (it frustrates the heck out of me too). I try to never cry in front of people because I don't like to let people see my vulnerable side. I will do anything to hold it in until I am out of sight which makes me think that I'm a little nuts :) I pretend not to care because that's easier than saying I care too much, which I do. It's easier to say I never cared at all than to look someone in the eyes and say I care about you and I'm scared to lose you. Although it may seem like I don't care at all, the reality is that I care too much and this leads to me always getting hurt. It has happened before but this time its different because the feelings I have for this person are magnified times 1000. When feelings are magnified this much things tend to get out of hand and of course someone winds up getting hurt, and that someone is usually me. And it looks like this time is no different. All I can do is sit back and hope for the best, the thing is I don't know what the best is right now. Maybe the best thing for me is to surrender because it seems like I am fighting a losing battle. Or maybe the best thing for me is to fight until the end and hope that its enough. Whatever the outcome all that matters is that I don't lose myself in the process, which is the most difficult part of all.